Nutkins looked up at his trained homing pigeons flying in a swirling formation above the towers. That meant trouble down at the stash house, or that he was just super, super high again.
Shheeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!! THANKS HUFFINGTON POST! You earned a nice fuckin bump for this one!
Detective McSpanky remembered buying rounds at Kavenaugh’s, he remembered busting some smart-ass college kid’s face in a fight over the jukebox (the fuck is a Coldplay??), puking in the parking lot, and then nailing some sweet pussy in the back alley. But for the fucking life of him, could not remember how he ended up stuck on the roof of the I-95 tollbooth. The spinning, spinning toll booth.
“Sshhh, now listen to me carefully, son. You sayin’ you tired? You gettin soft on me? Well check it- I got some goods on you that I think the po-po would find very interesting. You understand? Yeah, you a pretteh kitteh alright. I bet you’ll meet a big, cross-eyed bobcat in Jessup that’d take real good care of you, make you his WIFE.” - Nutkins
Another undercover bust taking a questionable turn for Detective McSpanky. He did what the Lieutenant asked- he hit up the coke and prostitution ring by the docks, he got everything on tape, all transactions recorded. Back-up was at least 10 minutes away, so he figured- why waste a happy ending?
“I can’t crack the Spanky crew’s cackalacky code, Sarge. There’s goddamned numbers, letters, dots all over the place. I’m even fucking trying to read it upside-down, but nope, no dice.” - Det. Nutkins Nutsbylewski
Spanky kicked McNutkins out of bed, told him he’d have to sleep on the couch until he got his shit together and proved he was serious about their relationship. That meant no more late nights, or coming home wasted and smelling like perfume and bourbon. McNutkins couldn’t argue- he loved Spanky and knew he’d have to do something to fix the distance that had grown between them.
After Nutkins saw proof that Spanky had been snitching to the po-po about their crew, even wearing a wire for them, he’d been struggling to just play it cool, and pretend that nothing was wrong.
Friend or family, that shit couldn’t be tolerated. So he had Spanky “test” out a box for their larger package runs. He was all, “Yo Spanky, how fuckin big is that box?? Jump in, bet you can’t fit in there.” And Spanky was all “Haha, OK, I’m gettin’ in, let’s see!” and that’s when Nutkins pulled out his .45 and shot Spanky is the back of his head.
“I mean for chrissakes, Detective Nutkins… the crime stats are finally down, the fucking Mayor is slowly but surely descending out of my swollen, festering left hemorrhoid, and you wanna make my fucking day by surprising me with the jovial fucking news of finding a John Doe in the harbor? What else? Did you also knock up my wife?” - Deputy Commissioner Spanky
“After all I’ve done for this citteh, you want to take me in for questioning?? I ain’t the fuckin corrupt one, officers, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna step aside and let some ignorant, young politico puppet take my place in Citteh Hall! Sheeeeeeeeeeeit- I’m a grown-ass cat! And I’m not going anywhere with no PO-lice, because my shit is clean, my money is clean, my rep is clea- TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MEH!” - State Senator Spanky
“If Spanky wants access to the Greek, who is my connect, you tell him it’s 250 large for the first month. Consider it an activation fee, you feel meh? Until then, tell him to get on his burner and set up a meet with me DI-RECT, and not send some baby hoppers over to my office, triflin’ with my time, to do his bidding.” - Nutkins
After nearly gettin’ got in a drive-by hit, Nutkins focused on keeping an iron grip on his crew and his corners, to help quell any lingering doubts about his leadership. He thought all was going well until he found a wiretap in his own home office. Did the po-po plant it? Someone from the Spanky crew? And then it hit him like a thousand cold needles to his nuts- maybe it was that errant fuckin’ nephew of his who was behind it all. The drive-by, the wire… motherfucker! His nephew was making a power play to undermine his authoriteh.
At first, Spanky found himself playing the reluctant father figure to the baby squeaker his partner adopted. He told Nutkins that a baby wasn’t the way to repair their relationship, and besides- he was too busy trying to be good PO-lice and had no time for a fuckin kid. But then there he was, suddenly mushy like a motherfucker, getting attached to the little beast. And before he knew it, he was singing Irma Thomas lullabies and telling bedtime stories. “G’nite moon… g’nite corner boys… g’nite Ol’ Bay…g’nite shitbirds…”
Spanky the Elder took Young Nutkins to buy some night-vision goggles in Fells Point, thinking they’d get some good late night hustlin’ help with them on.
Spanky was all “Yo, keep these on, and keep a lookout for any po-po.”
And Nutkins was all “YO! EVERYTHING IS GREEN.”
Then Spanky went, “That’s the goggles, son, now just make sure you’ll still be able to keep your red tops and yellow tops apart, don’t get confused by the colors and make sure that’s real cash money they handin’ you, you feel meh?”
And Nutkins was like, “You look like a zombie! YO! Do we look like zombies?? “
And then Spanky just sighed and shook his head. “Fuck this.”
Nutkins had to keep himself in check. This was Spanky’s girl, and he was supposed to be keeping an eye on her while Spanky did time for the family in Jessup. He had to be cool, stay loyal to his brother. As fine as she was, he knew he couldn’t go there.
