kitteh citteh

stone killa tails from the gritteh citteh, ya feel meh? (AKA cats + "The Wire")

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Avon Nutsdale and Spanky Bell had been at the stash house all morning, coordinating the re-ups, strategizin’ about how to get the Greek back after that last shitty G-pack his peoples tried to pass off, and the good ol’ days when they were still living in the towers, just a couple of green baby hoppers with big dreams. But then they heard a knock at the door… The fuck was that? Nobody knew about this stash spot. “Yo, grab your chrome,” Spanky Bell advised quietly to Nutsdale, “This shit don’t feel right. Get low, get on your burner and crew-up, I got this.”

Avon Nutsdale and Spanky Bell had been at the stash house all morning, coordinating the re-ups, strategizin’ about how to get the Greek back after that last shitty G-pack his peoples tried to pass off, and the good ol’ days when they were still living in the towers, just a couple of green baby hoppers with big dreams. But then they heard a knock at the door… The fuck was that? Nobody knew about this stash spot.

“Yo, grab your chrome,” Spanky Bell advised quietly to Nutsdale, “This shit don’t feel right. Get low, get on your burner and crew-up, I got this.”

Sperc thought taking a break from the squad and serving on the Mayor’s detail would come with perks, namely a fast-track promotion to a Sargent’s position.  Thing is, he just walked in on the Mayor getting his balls tea-bagged by the mail boy. “Fuck. FUCK. This is bad, ” Sperc thought. “Oh shit, oh shit, of shit. Do I pretend I didn’t see? Can I use this for leverage, or am I fucking fucked with this detail?? These politicians are just as fucking bad as the thugs on the street. Fuuuuuuuuuck, what should I do? This is serious shit. Fuck!”  He took a deep breath and looked at his shiny watch. “What time is lunch around here? I feel like fried fish…or, hmmm maybe a Subway sandwich, but easy on the peppers this time…”

Sperc thought taking a break from the squad and serving on the Mayor’s detail would come with perks, namely a fast-track promotion to a Sargent’s position.  Thing is, he just walked in on the Mayor getting his balls tea-bagged by the mail boy.

“Fuck. FUCK. This is bad, ” Sperc thought. “Oh shit, oh shit, of shit. Do I pretend I didn’t see? Can I use this for leverage, or am I fucking fucked with this detail?? These politicians are just as fucking bad as the thugs on the street. Fuuuuuuuuuck, what should I do? This is serious shit. Fuck!” 

He took a deep breath and looked at his shiny watch. “What time is lunch around here? I feel like fried fish…or, hmmm maybe a Subway sandwich, but easy on the peppers this time…”

“The  whaaaa? This fuhh did I- heyyyyy, Waitress? This isn’t bacon, and, wait, is this eggs? Gimme all your butter pats, I fucking love butter pats spread that shit on anything. No- I don’t want coffee but maybe a coupla fingers of Jameson? KIDDING! Jessuhchriss. I’m sober, honey, ok? Hey what time do you get off your shift? What? Wha the fuck did I do?! Christ, I love apples is all, ok? No, I’m not drunk. I’m not.” - Detective McNutkins

“The  whaaaa? This fuhh did I- heyyyyy, Waitress? This isn’t bacon, and, wait, is this eggs? Gimme all your butter pats, I fucking love butter pats spread that shit on anything. No- I don’t want coffee but maybe a coupla fingers of Jameson? KIDDING! Jessuhchriss. I’m sober, honey, ok? Hey what time do you get off your shift? What? Wha the fuck did I do?! Christ, I love apples is all, ok? No, I’m not drunk. I’m not.” - Detective McNutkins

“So I go to the VFW and there’s a new goddamned Union-funded mural about goddamned retarded Union workers on the goddamned docks. They are calling it ‘Angels on The Port Of Baltimore.’ You believe that? With fucking rainbows and shit, too. Those cocksucker shitbirds know I go there every week, and they’re trying to fuck with me again. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get BALTIMORE POLICE DEPARTMENT stenciled outside their meet spot, and I’m gonna get BPD stationed outside of that crazy shithole bar they all drink at every night. You know, the place with the goddamned ducks? Sobriety tests nightly for each of those shitbirds until they are miserable and sober and want to fucking kill themselves.” -Major Spankislaus Spankchek

“So I go to the VFW and there’s a new goddamned Union-funded mural about goddamned retarded Union workers on the goddamned docks. They are calling it ‘Angels on The Port Of Baltimore.’ You believe that? With fucking rainbows and shit, too. Those cocksucker shitbirds know I go there every week, and they’re trying to fuck with me again. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get BALTIMORE POLICE DEPARTMENT stenciled outside their meet spot, and I’m gonna get BPD stationed outside of that crazy shithole bar they all drink at every night. You know, the place with the goddamned ducks? Sobriety tests nightly for each of those shitbirds until they are miserable and sober and want to fucking kill themselves.” -Major Spankislaus Spankchek

“Shit, son, be cool- I wanna be straight whichu. I can tell you’re a good soldier… but you got heart, you feel meh? So time come to make a decision. You wanna ditch the thugs and work with my crew? We run the grab-n-go, we robs the drug dealers, we don’t touch nobody who ain’t in the game. Damn- you’re a pretty one too… oh, indeed. How bouts I take you out for some lake trout, boo?” - Nutmar

“Shit, son, be cool- I wanna be straight whichu. I can tell you’re a good soldier… but you got heart, you feel meh? So time come to make a decision. You wanna ditch the thugs and work with my crew? We run the grab-n-go, we robs the drug dealers, we don’t touch nobody who ain’t in the game. Damn- you’re a pretty one too… oh, indeed. How bouts I take you out for some lake trout, boo?” - Nutmar

Lieutenant Nutiels knew his wife wanted him to stop investigating the wires so he could spend more time supporting her political aspirations… but he couldn’t let go. He was loyal to his squad and determined to see the wire through with them. It was the right thing to do, dammit. They were so close to finally bringing down the Spanky Organization! But he could feel the strain on his marriage. And his wife didn’t even know about the saucy Assistant State’s Attorney he was working all those late nights with. It was time to make a decision, one way or the other.

Lieutenant Nutiels knew his wife wanted him to stop investigating the wires so he could spend more time supporting her political aspirations… but he couldn’t let go. He was loyal to his squad and determined to see the wire through with them. It was the right thing to do, dammit. They were so close to finally bringing down the Spanky Organization! But he could feel the strain on his marriage. And his wife didn’t even know about the saucy Assistant State’s Attorney he was working all those late nights with. It was time to make a decision, one way or the other.

“Just a couple questions before you go, Detective McNutkins… remember that time yesterday when our super valuable state’s witness was forced into an early dirtnap on your watch? That was stupendous. Also, exactly how far up your narrow ass do you want my foot, Detective? This far? If I cram my foot in this far, will that teach you how not to be totally fucking useless to me?” -Squad Sergeant Spanksman

“Just a couple questions before you go, Detective McNutkins… remember that time yesterday when our super valuable state’s witness was forced into an early dirtnap on your watch? That was stupendous. Also, exactly how far up your narrow ass do you want my foot, Detective? This far? If I cram my foot in this far, will that teach you how not to be totally fucking useless to me?” -Squad Sergeant Spanksman

Wee-Nuts liked hanging out by the poles at Orlando’s strip club. Yeah, it was one of the crew’s fronts, but he liked to take his breaks there too- get a quick lap dance before he’d have to grab the re-up and head back to the towers for Spanky Bell. Soldierin’ do pay in more ways than one.

Wee-Nuts liked hanging out by the poles at Orlando’s strip club. Yeah, it was one of the crew’s fronts, but he liked to take his breaks there too- get a quick lap dance before he’d have to grab the re-up and head back to the towers for Spanky Bell.

Soldierin’ do pay in more ways than one.

“I didn’t rise up to be President of Local 161 by towing the line, son. Unions gotta stick together, make noise, and yes, sometimes shove our foot up the asses of these political or corporate assholes who wanna ship our jobs to foreign countries. See- we don’t buy Oriental crabs, son. Our crabs come from Baltimore- always and forever. Now please pass the hush puppies and goddamn Old Bay.” -Spankbotka

“I didn’t rise up to be President of Local 161 by towing the line, son. Unions gotta stick together, make noise, and yes, sometimes shove our foot up the asses of these political or corporate assholes who wanna ship our jobs to foreign countries. See- we don’t buy Oriental crabs, son. Our crabs come from Baltimore- always and forever. Now please pass the hush puppies and goddamn Old Bay.” -Spankbotka

Detective McNutkins arrived at the crime scene and stared at Spanky Bell’s body with mixed emotion. He’d been watching Spanky for years- from his time as a young runner at the towers, corner hopper, through his rise to the top of the ranks of the West side crew. They had a begrudging respect for one another- the kind only a longtime cop and criminal can develop, even through years of taunts. And now? Spanky finally got his- but just before the po-po’s wiretap finally brought him down. “Motherfucker,” thought Nutkins. “I wanted to bring Spanky in alive, do it legit. All this work, all this time… and this is how it ends? This is bullshit.”

Detective McNutkins arrived at the crime scene and stared at Spanky Bell’s body with mixed emotion. He’d been watching Spanky for years- from his time as a young runner at the towers, corner hopper, through his rise to the top of the ranks of the West side crew. They had a begrudging respect for one another- the kind only a longtime cop and criminal can develop, even through years of taunts. And now? Spanky finally got his- but just before the po-po’s wiretap finally brought him down.

“Motherfucker,” thought Nutkins. “I wanted to bring Spanky in alive, do it legit. All this work, all this time… and this is how it ends? This is bullshit.”

“YO I LOVE BEING BACK AT SCHOOL. AND DID GET YOUR BOOKS? I LOVE BOOKS BECAUSE I WRITE ALL KINDS OF SHIT IN THEM, LIKE DICKS AND BOOBS, HAHA. LOOK AT THE NEW THREADS MY MOMS BOUGHT ME. NOW LETS SKIP CLASS BECAUSE I’M RUNNING THAT CORNER FOR MY DAD SINCE HE’S IN JESSUP. JUST ONE HOUR THEN I’LL TREAT MY CREW TO LAKE TROUT.” -Nutmond

“YO I LOVE BEING BACK AT SCHOOL. AND DID GET YOUR BOOKS? I LOVE BOOKS BECAUSE I WRITE ALL KINDS OF SHIT IN THEM, LIKE DICKS AND BOOBS, HAHA. LOOK AT THE NEW THREADS MY MOMS BOUGHT ME. NOW LETS SKIP CLASS BECAUSE I’M RUNNING THAT CORNER FOR MY DAD SINCE HE’S IN JESSUP. JUST ONE HOUR THEN I’LL TREAT MY CREW TO LAKE TROUT.” -Nutmond

“The reason you’re our lawyer is because you win, and I like to win, see? Now you may think I’m some ignorant thug, and that’s cool, because I know you like my money. And hey- It’s all in the game, I respect that. But I stay on top of this shit, and I know how the legal game plays too. I want bail for me and my crew here, and then I want us all to walk, you feel me? The motherfuckin po-po didn’t have a warrant to tap all our burners- and so this shit needs to be gone, done, over on a technicality. I don’t give a fuck, just end it.” -Nutkins Meowsdale

“The reason you’re our lawyer is because you win, and I like to win, see? Now you may think I’m some ignorant thug, and that’s cool, because I know you like my money. And hey- It’s all in the game, I respect that. But I stay on top of this shit, and I know how the legal game plays too. I want bail for me and my crew here, and then I want us all to walk, you feel me? The motherfuckin po-po didn’t have a warrant to tap all our burners- and so this shit needs to be gone, done, over on a technicality. I don’t give a fuck, just end it.” -Nutkins Meowsdale

“The thing about surveillance is- these fuckin hoppers have no idea we’re watching them. Look at that guy, picking his nose. I see you, you nasty fuck!” - Detective Nutkins “Oh, christ, this shit again. Listen, partner, can you obsess less about the nose picking? These are fucking murderous, drug slinging criminals.” - Detective Spanky “He just wiped his boogers on pants, Spanker! OH HOH! Are we getting this on video?” - Det. Nutkins “C’mon, man. I’m tired. Can you shut the fuck about that corner boy’s fucking snot?” - Det. Spanky “Fine, fine, fine, Boringface McBalls. Can I just ask you one question? One question, and I’m as silent as snow, I promise. Deal?” - Det. Nutkins “Deal. One question and then back to work. What?” - Det. Spanky “What would be the crappiest way to die? Eaten by a shark or a gator? No, I take that back- if we put a shark and a gator in a pool, who’d win?” - Det. Nutkins “Fuck off, dude.” -Det. Spanky “Gotta admit it though- that would be cool to watch. I’d like that kind of surveillance work, you know?”- Det. Nutkins

“The thing about surveillance is- these fuckin hoppers have no idea we’re watching them. Look at that guy, picking his nose. I see you, you nasty fuck!” - Detective Nutkins

“Oh, christ, this shit again. Listen, partner, can you obsess less about the nose picking? These are fucking murderous, drug slinging criminals.” - Detective Spanky

“He just wiped his boogers on pants, Spanker! OH HOH! Are we getting this on video?” - Det. Nutkins

“C’mon, man. I’m tired. Can you shut the fuck about that corner boy’s fucking snot?” - Det. Spanky

“Fine, fine, fine, Boringface McBalls. Can I just ask you one question? One question, and I’m as silent as snow, I promise. Deal?” - Det. Nutkins

“Deal. One question and then back to work. What?” - Det. Spanky

“What would be the crappiest way to die? Eaten by a shark or a gator? No, I take that back- if we put a shark and a gator in a pool, who’d win?” - Det. Nutkins

“Fuck off, dude.” -Det. Spanky

“Gotta admit it though- that would be cool to watch. I’d like that kind of surveillance work, you know?”- Det. Nutkins

“I stepped up, took on some bodies for the crew, but now I gotta get outta here until shit cools down. But yo- can you take care of my plants while I’m gone? These are my babies, son- make sure you water ‘em once a day. And if you see any of them bitch aphids on any leaves, then you kill those motherfuckers pronto.” -Nutkins

“I stepped up, took on some bodies for the crew, but now I gotta get outta here until shit cools down. But yo- can you take care of my plants while I’m gone? These are my babies, son- make sure you water ‘em once a day. And if you see any of them bitch aphids on any leaves, then you kill those motherfuckers pronto.” -Nutkins

“Ahhhhhhrgghhhhhhhhkkkkk. Fuck. Wait. Ugh. I’m good, I’m cool, McNutkins. We can’t go home yet. My wife thinks we’re on a case. Lets just BRAHHHHHHHHHH drive around, get some food. Oh Jesus, no. No food. McNutkins, call my wife. Oh Jesus am I dead? No I am fine, I’m GOOD, you Irish motherfucker. Hold on, give me a minute Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, it burns.” -Detective Spank

“Ahhhhhhrgghhhhhhhhkkkkk. Fuck. Wait. Ugh. I’m good, I’m cool, McNutkins. We can’t go home yet. My wife thinks we’re on a case. Lets just BRAHHHHHHHHHH drive around, get some food. Oh Jesus, no. No food. McNutkins, call my wife. Oh Jesus am I dead? No I am fine, I’m GOOD, you Irish motherfucker. Hold on, give me a minute Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, it burns.” -Detective Spank